I Could Have Been The Greatest Spice Girl Of Them All!

Posted By Tempest

Up in the middle of the night with odd dreams.  Again.
Let me say right up front: Orson Welles is a dick!

Apparently, I invented a new Pumpkin Spice Latte that the world needed. It was more…pumpkiny? or spicy? …or latte-y?
Don’t know…all I know is that it was great…it was a thing.

Okay, I’m lauded coast to coast. I’m asked to be on talk show after talk show where I fit right in – but the old-fashioned type of talk show. Merv Griffin, Mike Douglas, and Johnny in the years before he drank himself in a stupor by the end of the show. The guests were all old Hollywood, too. Folks like Dino and Lucy and Totie Fields (seriously – don’t name your kid Totie) …and that dick, Orson Welles.

It all went south one night on The Tonight Show. Ed introduces me, and Doc and the band play me on with some kind of Pumpkin Spice brass-based theme music. I wave and smile as I head toward the couch. Johnny and I banter and laugh and laugh.

Now, Orson is already on the couch, having come out earlier in the evening, but now he wants to get into the conversation. He tells the whole world that he hates my Pumpkin Spice Latte because the minute he adds booze to it, the flavor profile turns ugly. Suddenly, my latte tastes like ashes. Doesn’t matter which type of booze is added – same problem. Orson has brought samples of my latte and lots of booze, enough for the entire audience to see for themselves.


And he’s right! Add a little vodka and the whole thing tastes like the fireplace your husband is too lazy to clean out even though he keeps saying he’ll do it.

I guess that’s a different discussion. Ahem.

I’m ruined. Very quickly I go from Queen of Unnecessary Coffee Drinks to living in a 1985 Dodge Caravan and declaring bankruptcy. Then I have to figure out another way to make a living.

Do that many people put booze in their lattes? C’mon, people!
One vice at a time!

Anyway, that’s why Orson Welles is a dick. If he had kept his big mouth shut instead of getting all up in my bidness, I could have branched out into other Pumpkin Spice marketing areas. Just think of it! …Pumpkin Spice Pez Dispensers…or Pumpkin Spice IPhone Covers… or Pumpkin Spice Diaper Pail Liners…the possibilities were endless.

Orson Welles…killing dreams since 2016.

Nov 26th, 2016

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