Mama, Don’t Let Your Baby Veal Grow Up to Wear G-Strings: A One-Act Play about Vegan Dining

Posted By Tempest

Setting:  Thunder and Tempest are driving down the road, passing the time until their destination.

Cow Parade of San Jose, Costa Rica

Cow Parade of San Jose, Costa Rica

Thunder: Okay…so…we know that I’m no fashion maven, but you do know that you are wearing colors that do not match, right?

Tempest: *looking at her pastel plaid pants and her solid shirt*
I always wear an orange shirt with these pants.

Th: Okay, but there’s absolutely no orange in those pants, right?   Pink, green, yellow and white.
Orange? Not so much.

Te: Huh…Whaddya know…  I always thought there was orange in these pants.  Jeez, topless would match better than this orange shirt.  The plaid is okay, though, right?

Th: Are you channeling Archie?

Te: Oh My God!  …wow…  I’m dressed exactly like Archie!
I’ve spent my whole life trying to avoid becoming my mother.
I never saw my father coming straight at me from the side. WHAM!
Seriously, I am becoming my father more and more.

Th: You just need a sapphire pinky ring to complete the ensemble.

Te: Dammity Damn!
I’m not wearing the Archie black knee socks and sandals, though.

Th: Well…yeah…but that’s just a good idea anyway, no?

Te: Yeah, but without the socks and sandals, I can’t yell at kids to get off our lawn.
*sigh* We’re in a rut. We need to shake things up to become new people instead of dissolving into stereotypes of our parents.
I know! Let’s open a Vegan Tapas bar.

Th: Uh…are the patrons vegan? Or are the dancers vegan?

Te: What dancers?

Th: At the bar.

Te: It’s not an alcohol bar – it’s just a name for this type of eatery.

Th: Then why do we have dancers?

Te: What dancers?

Th: At this topless bar.


Th: What?

Te: What?

Okay, let’s start again. I said we should open a Vegan Tapas bar – you know, small plates, small bites, vegan food.

*blink* *blink*   No one’s going to eat that crap…unless, of course, someone’s topless…

Te:  You could be …topless… behind the counter…topless…
I could sew some pastel plaid pants for you to wear.
Get you some black socks and sandals.
We could call it “Archie’s.”

Th: Archie was a pretty devoted carnivore, wasn’t he?
Jeez, the man is probably spinning in his grave at this conversation.
I’m sure he’d rather we named a hospital wing or college building after him, not a topless…

Te: …tapas!…

Th: …bar after him.

Te: *thinking* How did we get started on this entire conversation?

Th: Orange. “Orange is the new Topless.”   I think.

Te: *blink* (arriving at destination)
Dude… wow… this is the worst game of ‘Telephone’ I’ve ever played.

and Scene











Jun 1st, 2015

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